I want to rest, but I feel guilty

Full dialogue

1. Saturday afternoon. A few tasks got finished this morning. There is time to lie down now, but a list of what still needs doing lies on the table.

2. Red puppet

   I want to lie down for half an hour. I don’t even feel like reading. Just closing my eyes.

3. Blue puppet

   Let’s answer the messages first. And hang up the laundry before we have to wash it again.

4. Red puppet

   The laundry, yes. But after the messages, there will always be something else.

5. Blue puppet

   There already is. We’ve been putting it off all week.

6. Red puppet

   Because all week there were other things. We’ve barely sat down this morning either.

7. Blue puppet

   But look how much we’ve finished. Just a little more, and then we can rest in peace.

8. Red puppet

   That was the idea yesterday too. And last weekend. By the time we finally can, it’s already bedtime.

9. A brief pause.

10. Blue puppet

    It’s hard for me to lie there calmly when I know what’s left.

11. Red puppet

    For me too. I lie down and start remembering everything that still needs doing. Sometimes I get up simply because doing things is easier than lying there with that list in my head.

12. Blue puppet

    At least finishing a task brings some relief.

13. Red puppet

    Not for long. Then I notice the next one.

14. Blue puppet

    But if we stop noticing altogether, a lot will be left for us tomorrow. Emails won’t answer themselves. Someone has to make food too.

15. Red puppet

    I’m not suggesting we drop everything. I want tiredness to count for something too when we choose what to do next.

16. Blue puppet

    I do notice it. That’s why I’m suggesting we finish sooner.

17. Red puppet

    But everything is already taking me longer. I’m reading the same message three times.

18. A pause.

19. Blue puppet

    All right. Say we lie down. Just without the phone.

20. Red puppet

    Why are there conditions already?

21. Blue puppet

    Because an hour will go by and we’ll feel even worse. We won’t have rested, and nothing will have got done.

22. Red puppet

    Yes, that happens. I scroll through things without even knowing whether I’m interested. I just don’t want to start anything.

23. Blue puppet

    That’s what scares me: we’ll stop, and then we won’t get going again.

24. Red puppet

    Is the worry that if I’m allowed to rest, I won’t want to do anything ever again?

25. Blue puppet

    Sometimes it feels as though so much tiredness has built up that one weekend won’t be enough.

26. Red puppet

    That scares me too.

27. Both puppets fall silent for a moment.

28. Blue puppet

    And another thing… I don’t want someone to ask this evening how the day went and have nothing to tell them.

29. Red puppet

    Why nothing? We could say we got enough sleep. Went for a walk. Sat in silence.

30. Blue puppet

    I understand. But when I say that, I immediately want to add: ‘But we got so much done this morning.’

31. Red puppet

    As if we need to explain why we were allowed to rest.

32. Blue puppet

    Yes. Even if no one asks.

33. Red puppet

    When someone else says they’ve been resting all day, do we expect an explanation too?

34. Blue puppet

    No. Usually I think: it’s good they had the chance.

35. Red puppet

    But for us that isn’t enough.

36. Blue puppet

    I like feeling that we’re useful. That people can count on us.

37. Red puppet

    So do I. It’s just that sometimes I agree to help, then sit there feeling angry with the person for asking.

38. Blue puppet

    Even though we could have said we don’t have the energy today.

39. Red puppet

    We could. But then we’d have to bear knowing it makes things inconvenient for someone. It’s easier for me to put off my own rest.

40. A pause.

41. Blue puppet

    So I’m always putting something off too. Even though I keep making sure nothing is left for later.

42. Red puppet

    I don’t want to stop doing things that matter. Sometimes I just want to finish the day with enough energy left for a conversation.

43. Blue puppet

    Remember when we sat in the yard recently? Just drinking tea.

44. Red puppet

    Yes. At first I kept wanting to get up. Then we didn’t even notice it getting dark.

45. Blue puppet

    That felt good.

46. Red puppet

    It did.

47. A brief pause.

48. Blue puppet

    The list is still on the table.

49. Red puppet

    I see it. And I still want to lie down.

50. A pause. End of scene.